Common @ White House: File Under "Who Gives A Fuck?"
May 12, 2011

Because there are absolutely no pressing issues in the free, prosperous, nearly perfect United States, millions of blundering, partisan fuss-buckets are now engaged in a competition to see who can feign the most righteous indignation over the fact that hip-hop artist Common has been invited to that shining beacon of human decency, the White House. There’s nothing like the sight of pasty-white, middle-aged, suburban battle-axes showcasing their vaginal soreness over this horror of horrors.

How dare Barack Obama invite some man I heretofore had never heard of but Fox News and dozens of my uninformed Facebook friends assure me is a true menace to society to poetry night at the same residence from which some of the greatest horrors in the history of mankind have been directed? I wasn’t much affected when Obama claimed the right to hunt and kill any American citizen of his choosing with complete impunity and no judicial review… but allowing a rapper on the hallowed White House grounds? Blasphemy! I don’t understand why I’m angry, but since I’m incapable of original thought and can only regurgitate the contrived utterances of Karl Rove and Sarah Palin - a veritable cable news Jesus Christ and Mother Mary - I am outraged!

Moments like this serve as a reminder that there is no hope. Zero. There’s nothing so uninspiring as watching total dullards get up in arms over inconsequential horseshit that happens under the White House roof while simultaneously expressing no concern for events happening under their own - like morbid obesity, a fourteen-year-old daughter uploading her vagina to the internet, a federal assassination squad coming through the window to commit unreviewable slaughter, and a father/husband masturbating to The Suite Life Of Zack & Cody. The mindset of these Foxen (Fox News-viewing oxen) is immeasurably more offensive than any individual’s visit to the White House - be it Common, Karl Rove, or Lucifer.

Who has perpetrated more evil on the world: Barack Obama or fucking Common?

Exactly.

But you don’t get it. It’s the principle of the matter. Inviting a man that wrote a song in admiration of a convicted cop-killer compromises the sanctity/honor/prestige of the White House…

Sanctity? Honor? Prestige? Of the White House? Stop talking and eat a dick.

This guy sang about a killer. The White House is the residence of a list of murderers that can’t be rivaled. The human evil that has walked those halls would overflow the pits of hell if such a place existed. Yet you’re all in a huff because there’s a motherfucking hip-hop artist swinging by for motherfucking poetry night? Sweet hell I would hate to see your life’s priority list. There’s a stranger in front of you, holding a loaded pistol to your face, his finger's on the trigger, and he seems unusually comfortable. But why worry about the bullet about to pierce your skull when halfway across the world, a pencil is about to roll off a student’s desk and land safely on the floor? Clearly, stopping that #2 from hitting the floor is priority #1.

Why in the all-American fuck do you care if Common goes to White House poetry night? How does this affect your life? Will your life improve in any fathomable way should Common be uninvited from poetry night? Or will there still be money robbed from your paycheck, taxes levied on “your” property, and badge-adorned government henchman anxious to yank your ass off the road and extort money from you should you commit the heinous act of not buckling up?

Why not ask bigger questions, like:

Why is there a house in Washington DC that is paid for with money stolen from individuals at a cost of $4,364,041 per day?

Who the fuck could possibly be worth this?

Why should any aspect of my life be predicated on shit that goes on in some theft-funded monstrosity in the corporate acreage known as the District of Columbia?

When did I consent to this shit?

How do I withdraw from this ridiculous shit-show and how soon should I expect to be put in a cage for trying to do so?

Why is the author of this website so much better looking than me?

Why won’t anyone rub my tummy, tell me it’s gonna be alright, scoop the shit out of my diaper, and powder my soggy ass for me?

Oh, and can we please file Common’s visit to the White House under “Who Gives A Fuck?”