Now I Ain't Sayin' She A Beef Digger
January 26, 2011

It ain’t every ding-dang day you hear from a broad that truly gets it. Kristen, however, ain’t your every day ding-dang broad. Witness UTB’s first-ever estrogen-fueled unleashing of beef:

Hey, man, how's it goin? Just wanted to drop a line and say how happy I am that you've increased the UTB posts. They always make me laugh and cry and live and love, like a Julia Roberts movie [UTB note: Definite future tagline]. Honestly, I share your site with everyone. I like to imagine my vegan Facebook friends happening upon it and going into apoplectic fits of impotent rage. (As you probably well know, vegetarians have no murder in their hearts and this makes them ineffectual and weak.)

I also wanted to let you know, since you may find it heartening, that I've just hit the 40 lbs lost mark. I have a little ways to go, but in 4 months of 100% zero carb I've lost 40 lbs of excess body weight and I've clearly reversed the metabolic disorder that has plagued me since early adulthood: obesity, insulin resistance, hypoglycemia, endometriosis, poly-cystic ovary syndrome, etc. - it's all either gone or going. I look better than I have since my early 20s when I was fucking HOT and I am headed there again. I haven't exercised at all, but my muscle tone is improving, too - probably because it was under there all along (I was a dancer for many years) but was covered in fat.

Besides elation and freedom, the major emotion I experience these days is rage. It really sucks to watch everybody you love and care about kill themselves slowly with Wonder Bread and Dr. Pepper, or edamame and Heineken, or whatever their poisons of choice are, but it REALLY sucks to have to listen to pompous assholes who are clearly unhealthy explain nutrition to you. The other night I was hanging out with my lesbian friends. Like most lesbians in real life, they're kind of ugly. They had nothing there for me to eat so I drank water and watched them eat meatless "healthy" spaghetti with garlic bread and then devour lemon chess squares, all the while talking about how their new years resolution is a commitment to eating "clean." As they drank their wine and lesbian hippie cola, sweetened with stevia so it's "healthy," I watched their children drink Capri Sun and eat candy as the lesbians discussed their son's problem with his medication for ADHD and OCD. I mean, what the fuck do you say to all that? Meanwhile, they have watched me lose a crazy percentage of my body weight in a short period of time without hunger or difficulty, and yet they regard my ZC [zero carb] lifestyle as a gimmicky crash diet. "You may be losing weight right now," said the one who would be the dude, "but we're really committing to total health." Meanwhile, she just had all her lady plumbing surgically removed due to "incurable" endometriosis, and her girlfriend is five feet tall and approaching 200 lbs. Whatever, guys. Enjoy fisting each other while you can because you'll be decrepit by 50 and fucking old by 65. Oh, and the fat one will lose limbs to diabetes at some point so if you have a foot fetish, take lots of pictures.

I know you encounter this type of shit every day. The healthier I get and the more experienced I get with living ZC - which honestly was never difficult for me, even in the beginning - the more I realize this: if I were to put a black bandanna over my face like those 22-year-old rich white assholes who hurl molotov cocktails in the general direction of IMF and World Bank meetings, and commandeer a CNN camera and explain to the whole world how ZC works and what it does, the next day all that would be on the news is what my hair looked like at my arraignment, and whether or not there were pictures of my boobs on my Facebook page. Because people are fucking stupid. And that's why they are unhealthy and fat and miserable.

Anyway, I'll say it again: love the site, love your writing, love that you exist. Keep doing it please. And take care.

Kristen

Kristen that email is and shall remain the highlight of the decade even though nine years remain. And I absolutely hear you. The only thing I can say, having gone through the same nonsense myself (save for the close interpersonal relationships with lesbians and their children), is that you'll likely reach a saturation point of bullshit before long, and learn to no longer care. Focus inward. Fuck outward. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism or a sign of maturity, but either way, if it doesn't happen, you'll end up in the loony bin for trying to live a somewhat truthful existence in the face of all existent insanity, stupidity, and dishonesty. It's been a good long time since I stopped ever inquiring or remarking over anything anyone else does (website ranting obviously excluded), yet still, people familiar with what it is I'm doing will go out of their way to twist and turn and try to provoke some excuse or revelation from me that they hope reveals a non-existent inconsistency so that they can then feel better about themselves and their stubborn refusal to look in the mirror and do something about what they see and feel. I no longer even entertain such calculated inquiries seriously. Why waste my time when I could otherwise be laughing at jerks? Oh does it drive others crazy when I don't justify my own decisions that have nothing to do with their lives to them. It terrifies weak people to see others engaged in self-improvement. People have to experience shit for themselves, unfortunately, most people spend their lives avoiding real experience and instead live life exclusively via contrived photographs so that their mobile Facebook uploads make others think that they're enjoying their time on Earth. But at least we have a healthy, thriving, totally sustainable society to show for all of this.

It's like the great Charles Washington said, "I used to want to save the world, but now I just want to provide an ark of safety for those who choose to get on board."

PS - Just curious whether or not there are pictures of your boobs on your Facebook page. Let me know.