Official Cause Of Death: Xbox
August 1, 2011

Game over, assclown. Chris Staniforth, an Xbox-addicted human sloth from Sheffield, England, managed to Halo-marathon himself to death at twenty years of age. If you don’t find this wildly amusing, I suggest you take up Halo-marathoning immediately. Some dime-a-dozen internet drive-by-moms spat their rapidly evaporating vaginal rage-juices at me back in May when I posted on the horror of kids that live inside of video games even when physically in the outside world.

“If that’s what makes them happy, who are you to judge?”

“At least they’re not out doing drugs and stealing.”

“FYI, video games can INCREASE brain function bla bla bla…”

Wow. Too bad they’ll be unable to pass that brainpower on to the next generation as sitting on their testicles twelve hours at a time decreases dick function. Every such response was translatable to truth as, “I am a complete failure as a parent. In fact, I am such a parental coward that instead of walking into the next room and potentially saving the life of my eight year old by tearing the Xbox out of the wall, I will instead email you, a complete stranger with a website full of overstated ramblings, and try to rationalize my incompetence by lambasting you for holding a mirror in front of my increasingly fleshy face.”

Well, now what does the Games Are Moms Too lobby have to say for its feckless self? Are you slobs, now armed with the knowledge that video games can be deadly, still unmoved when you see little Jackson sitting on the couch, entering his eleventh consecutive hour of pretend murder? Actually, I hope you are. Because the sooner Mother Nature is able to cleanse the Earth of your spoiled little gameboy piglets tying up the internet with their world wide warfare, the faster the response time for my streaming pornographic marathons will be.

The failed parents of the dead Staniforth have “launched a campaign to raise awareness about the health risks of playing online computer games” in the wake of his death. I’ve launched a campaign to raise awareness about what complete failures at life Mr. and Mrs. Staniforth are. How nice that you’ve decided to take a proactive role in your son’s life. Oh wait. It’s over. Just imagine if you’d decided to take similar action sometime during the two decades for which he was alive. I imagine it was hard to tell the difference between pre and post mortem Chris, though, as in both instances he was just the clump on the couch with the shitty neck beard. I’m sure it took at least 72 consecutive hours of the screen flashing “GAME OVER” before Mom and Dad began to question his status as a viable life form. Well, that, and the fact that the Dorito supply wasn’t dwindling for once. Too bad Dr. Pepper couldn’t revive him. I just can’t believe his girlfriend didn’t have her finger on - forgive the pun - the pulse of things. What? The chunky guy that played video games for twelve hours at a clip didn’t have himself a gal? Color me shocked! Vaginas throughout the United Kingdom will surely starve in the absence of a cocksman the likes of Staniforth.

Disconnect your kids, mommies and daddies of the modern world. At least at intervals shorter than twelve hours. Offer them drugs and tell them to go out and steal if necessary. The drugs might give them some perspective, while running from the cops post-theft will require their legs to be used for something other than deep vein thrombosis. Whatever it takes to not be the next Mr. and Mrs. Staniforth.

Game or die? Game and die.