Royalty Schmoyalty
May 2, 2011

What kind of distribution could I get on an updated, more realistic take on the animated mind poison known as Cinderella? In this rewrite, instead of creating false expectations for generations of children that lead them to hate their own lives and live vicariously through televised weddings of “royal” parasites, I would offer young girls and boys a more grounded presentation, one that might spare them from a life of unfulfilled dreams that exist only in Disney cartoons.

It wouldn’t be a drastic rewrite, as the original story would remain intact, only after Cinderella and Prince Charming ride away from their wedding, instead of, “and they lived happily ever after,” we segue into the next scene, later that evening, as they settle into their royal honeymoon suite. Cinderella, bursting at her vaginal seams, throws herself at the Prince, who resists her advances, repulsed by the notion of vaginal penetration, thus confirming his status as a closeted homosexual à la Prince Edward in Braveheart. Considering his options, we see Charming’s eyebrows rise, and he proceeds to command that his bride remove her bloomers, spread her cheeks, and prepare to receive him anally. The film then quickly draws to an unexpected, but much more real-life-preparatory close when, upon her cheek-clenched refusal, Prince Charming draws his (actual) sword, cuts off Cinderella’s head, and sits on her face.

The moral of the story? Shit is fucked up.

Or we could leave the film alone, continue to raise a world full of girls that expect a handsome prince to sweep them out of their trailer park / section 8 housing development / upper-middle class, oversized bedroom with walk-in closet that they complain is too small for all their shit, and wonder why the divorce rate is over 40%.

Friday’s “royal” (read: fucking nonsense) wedding of William Arthur Philip Louis and Kate Middleton was televised to a worldwide audience of more than two billion vacant humanoid cunts people. Two billion. There are just fewer than seven billion people in the entire world. This means nearly thirty percent of the human beings on Earth watched a wedding that affects their life in no reality-based way, all because of the insane, archaic notion that some pale, prematurely balding dillbag in England’s bloodline makes him divine. I’ve for long recognized the self-enslaving inferiority of most human beings. Despite this, I had, until learning the above statistic, maintained a microscopic glimmer of hope that logic and sanity might ultimately persevere. That glimmer has been beheaded, sat on, and shat on by two billion wretched parasite hosts.

Words cannot relate the profound stupidity of the notion of “royalty” in the modern world. How is it, in the year 2011, despite the rapid advancement of civilization over the past several hundred years, that anyone on this planet isn’t repulsed by the idea of royal human beings? The only collection of humans in the history of Earth arguably more corrupt and contemptible than politicians is royalty.

The premise of royalty doesn't just fly in the face of logic; it forces it over a diamond-encrusted royal bidet and violates it in every imaginable way. The idea that one's bloodline entitles them to a throne, power, respect, or anything, is totally archaic and illogical. Despite this, many nations continue the tradition of royal families, while those that don’t look to those that do in enchanted wonderment, unappreciative of the fact that people they do share a bloodline with sacrificed their lives in rightful defiance of the notion of royalty. I understand that traditions are often continued because they're exactly that - traditions. But simply being a "tradition" shouldn't qualify anything for automatic preservation. America, among most other nations, had a tradition of owning other human beings as property. That tradition no longer thrives. Prison inmates have a tradition of anally raping each other. It’s hard to argue that anal rape’s status as a tradition alone warrants its preservation. So why do we preserve the tradition of royalty? Accepting as legitimate a birthright to power is just as ridiculous as accepting the legitimacy of owning people or fucking their assholes against their will. Actually, it's worse. At least an argument can be made that prisoners need to get an occasional nut off, and your left hand does stop feeling like a stranger's after a while. But there is absolutely no rationalizing the notion of royalty.

Yet not only do we humanoids legitimize the notion of royalty, we bestow upon them great celebrity, as though they’ve earned this adulation by simply climbing out of some royal cunt. Instead of being mocked, loathed, and urinated on as they should, members of royal families are celebrated and worshipped by a delirious public oblivious to the oppressive, murderous, rapist, racist, tyrannical lineage from which these scumbags descend. Simpletons are awestruck by royal assholes under the misguided impression that they have an intrinsic worth higher than that of the common crack ho that gives five-dollar BJs and complimentary STDs. The only difference between the princess and the crack ho is that while the former was born with a silver spoon in her mouth, the latter was born with a glass pipe in hers. Okay, and maybe a dick or two. But at least the crack ho’s ancestors only smoked rock and sucked dick - they never pillaged nations or guillotined innocent people on a whim. There's more than a fine line between beheading and giving head. Unless it’s your first night in prison, where I’d imagine the difference seems negligible. Until one realizes that the average slutjunkie has more to offer than the king, the queen, or any of their reptilian offspring, he is doomed to a life of self-imposed inferiority.

Speaking of crack hos…

I believe the children are our future. Teach them that Cinderella is a cocktease, Prince Charming is a closeted dong-monger, and to preface every interaction with others by inquiring as to whether or not that person was one of the two billion that watched the royal wedding of 2011 and preclude those individuals that did from any participation in their lives. Then, let them lead the way.

Royal wedding? Blow me.