Smart Slice My Throat
April 25, 2011

It never ends. First Jared and his sexless, non-threatening energy turned a remarkably shitty submarine sandwich chain into America’s premier health food outlet. It should go without saying that when soda is on tap inside an establishment, healthier choices are being expelled by pigeons in the parking lot. Then, Kellogg’s attempted to eradicate all of humanity’s ailments with Immunity flavored Rice Krispies. Since Snap, Crackle, and Fag were unable to reverse AIDS with their toasted rice cereal, Domino’s Self-Proclaimed Pizza has stepped in to fill the schoolhouse lunchtime nutrition void and offer the societal dregs of tomorrow “a revolution[ary]… line of delicious, nutritious pizzas created specifically for schools” called Smart Slice. And what helps makes Smart Slice pizza so revolutionary? Hows about a crust made with 51% white whole-wheat flower, motherfucker?

Yeah, I said it: 51 percent! Whole-wheat, beeyitch! Or, as the urban beneficiaries of Domino’s nutritional wisdom will understand it, fiddy-won puhsent ho-wheat.

Sorry to break up the pizza party/revolution, but what in the hand-tossed fuck is 51% white whole-wheat flour? Does this mean it’s 49% African-Americrust? That’s the cheesiest joke I’ve ever delivered on this site, until the current sentence containing two intentional, embarrassingly predictable puns. But seriously, what of the other 49%? Is it still the same cardboard as the box it comes in? Who did the ingredient and number crunching for Smart Slice pizza? How and why has this 51% been determined? This is the greatest numeric mind-fuck of our time. Justify the 51! Identify the 49! Is this the arbitrary white whole-wheat flour content set in the new USDA school lunch guidelines that Domino’s Smart Slice “was specifically developed to meet”? Because if the federal government suggested it, then I’ll eat it and shut up, because I’m a patriot!

I have a bit of information for any parents out there careless and/or insane enough to allow their offspring to purchase and ingest anything from a school cafeteria. Just because the nice pizza people tell you that their hot, boxed mess will “give kids energy to learn, grow and play,” doesn’t mean it actually will. Actually, what it’s likely to do is a) sap your child’s energy as his or her body attempts to digest the unearthly concoction it’s had dumped into it thus preventing effective learning b) facilitate growth… of cysts, tumors, cavities and a plethora of other infections and c) cause your child to reach down the backside of their sweatpants and “play” with their bunghole that now feels as though it’s falling out of its ass in the aftermath of consuming large amounts of denatured cheese on cardboard. But you should still feel good, because, hey, it is 51% white whole-wheat poison.

Sorry mom and dad, but there is no nutrition available from a dough-based international purveyor of food generating $1.4 billion in revenue. I don’t begrudge them their success - I’m all for profiting off of hungry retards - but you can’t be that big and make real food. I know what you’re thinking; “But they have ‘wholesome ingredients available just for schools’ and ‘customized recipes for your student’s taste buds.’” Of course. Just like every school in America is staffed entirely by “the most highly qualified professionals, passionate about their craft and committed to helping each and every student realize their full potential both as students and as people.” At least until the third week of every school year when they realize there’s nine more months of dealing with these mouth-breathing tapeworms and they mail it in.

Before I close this out, I must share with you a quote from Domino’s Pizza CEO J. Patrick Doyle, who is already a confirmed douchenozzle based on his initialized first name. But since one form of assholery is never enough, he lays out this doozy, carefully designed to appeal only to the likes of interior dwelling shitbirds like the gelatinous food review kid from YouTube (who is probably my favorite human):

“Few people know this, but there are actually 34 million ways to make a single Domino's pizza. Consumers truly have the power to create as nutritious or indulgent of a pizza combination as they wish.”

Fun fact: Few people know this, but there are 34 million different Domino’s pizzas with which I’d enjoy suffocating that company’s CEO for having the douche-chilling audacity to make the above statement. I’ll leave the combination to him though, as he truly has the power to create as nutritious or indulgent of a pizza asphyxiation as he wishes.