Societal Self-Defeatism: Boston Edition
January 24, 2011

In the latest example of America’s race to subdue itself, Boston, Massachusetts is rolling out an ambulance that has been custom-engineered to load in and carry patients that are too morbidly corpulent to either a) safely enter or b) simply fit into a standard ambulance. According to the captain of Boston’s EMS fleet, the fat-facilitating vehicle, which was retrofitted at a cost of $12,000, will be used up to four times per week.

I know Boston is a big city. I’ve been unfortunate enough to spend ample time there, and in between dodging punches from every chip-on-his-shoulder 5’6” over-compensator from Southie, I’ve seen plenty of pairs of sidewalk-width ass cheeks. Sidewalk. But I wasn’t aware, until now, that so many Bostonians possess physical mass such that it cannot fit between the boundary lines of a single lane on a standard American roadway.

Four times per week, this ambulance! This is how many elephantine flesh-masses are wasting space and oxygen in Boston, MA. Why does society go so far out of its way to accommodate such black holes of humanity? Taxation itself is entirely counter-productive, but to extort money from productive people under threat of violence, then spend that money attaching hydraulic lifts to ambulances so that these massive couch-dwellers can enjoy a more comfortable transport to the ER for their weekly round of diabetic shock? I’d rather watch the government feed them my money between two slices of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter-coated white bread so long as their fat asses stay home and avoid damaging the pavement with their unendurable weight. Forget frost heaves; start installing “Beware of Fat Heaves” signage.

What’s more, other than the weight of these ponderous individuals, is that the majority, if not every last ounce of every last one of them, are likely on government food assistance. So not only are taxpayers being raped in having to fund an obese-mobile, but it’s actually secondary to the initial raping that pays for the nutritionally barren waste products that these urban hippopotami sodomize their own insulin with. The Fatmobile is just insult to rapery. The whole disaster becomes a triple kick in the nuts when you realize that it’s the government’s dietary recommendations that have perverted reality to the point where one in three Americans are obese, and four Bostonians per week are too fat to fit into a motherfucking ambulance.

But as destructive of all life and reality as government is, fault ultimately lies with the individual. The truth is out there and it’s not terribly hard to find. At least not compared to the difficulty of finding your mushroom-cap pecker beneath that 700-pound growth you call a torso. But why ever would you think outside the Jack In The Box (mmm, Diet Coke and Jack’s mini funnel cakes) when you can just dial 9-1-1 and have the ice-cream-bulence rush you to the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru. It’s fackin’ New England, kid, we love ah Dunkies up hee-ah.

Here’s the truth of the matter. Survival of the fittest is real, but in our relentless societal self-defeatism, we enable survival of the fattest. While it’s easy to mock and place blame on these scale-shattering collections of flesh - and I do both - the fact is, the most foolish people of all are those in good health that go along with this program of funding the fattening of the masses. Life is valuable. But not that valuable. Under sane circumstances, we wouldn’t remove walls from homes in order to remove humans too fat to remove themselves via the doorway. Not unless the crane that’s lifting them out of the living room / fattening quarters is dropping them directly over a cliff. Short of this, keep the ambulances docked and waiting for more pressing conditions (such as erections lasting more than four hours) and let the epic fatties' failed hearts fail. I know my saying that pains your tender little heart, but these assholes have already buried themselves beneath six feet of fat - what difference will six feet of soil make?

"If we don't inject him with pancakes right now we're going to lose him!"