The Intersection Of Stupidity And Socialism
August 4, 2011

I didn’t think my jaw could or would ever hang lower than the first time I viewed Rebecca Black’s “Friday” video. Then, they released what appears to be the latest in the Jason Bourne thriller series; “The Bourne Miscarriage.”

Holy pseudo-intellectual! This is what happens, folks, when willpower alone fails to raise one’s IQ into the triple-digit range. Whether it was the intention of the squirrelly guy with the microphone to make Matt Damon appear foolish or not, he executed the best possible strategy for this effect - that being putting a microphone in front of Matt Damon’s mouth and allowing him to speak directly into it.

Let’s break the film down, shall we?

[0:12] Self-righteous grinning. Self-satisfied for “taking a stand.”

[0:18] Intransigence! Four-syllable word! Complimented by forehead-scratching. Well played, Mr. Damon.

[0:26] Head-nodding to accentuate the completion of what he believes to be a point, followed by direct eye contact with the interviewer to feign sincerity, all while hoping there will not be any follow-up queries.

[0:38] Yes. Yes. I advocate the criminal cartel of government looting even more money from productive individuals such as myself. Without hesitation, I not only want the government to take more of my money from me, but I endorse their using force to extract even greater sums from others in my economic class, regardless of any desire they may have to keep what’s theirs.

[0:41] Oh shit. Why did my mouth just make the first half of a statement that my brain can’t finish? Maybe if I pepper whatever I say next with a bunch of “ya knows,” “I means,” “probablys,” and “likes,” I’ll sound like less of a jackass than this awkward silence makes me seem like.

[0:56] Fuck. Did I just smirk and bring up the “roaring 20’s” inconsequentially? I cannot possibly be taken seriously after my usage of “roaring 20’s.” Why do I keep sounding dumber the more I talk? Wait, I know, I’ll play the odds and talk even more, because I’m bound to express a rational though eventually.

[1:10] Fuckin’ fuck! It didn’t work. I just called it “criminal” to only steal 35% - not more - of the income of the 1% of earners who already pay more than 20% of all federal and state taxes. Quick, I’ll remedy this with some cockamamie selflessness and references to the children.

[1:26] This is still wildly uncomfortable. I know! Lemme ejaculate some patriotic blather inside this hot, hollow vagina of mental ineptitude I’ve created for myself. I’ll mix it with insincere righteous indignation and sign off on it with a smile. USA! USA!

[1:39] Phantom irritations indicative of discomfort. He at least seems to be self-aware that he’s talking out of his pious little asshole, yet he lacks the humility to simply say, “You know what? I have absolutely no fucking clue how to express a rational thought, and I apologize for pretending otherwise for the last minute and thirty-nine seconds.”

I can’t continue this. It’s too painful. Watch the rest at your own risk. He rambles sub-coherently about his hatred of tax cuts, smirks whenever he thinks one of his utterances smacks of intelligence, and rubs his head a bunch. Oh, and he manages to work in his word of the day once more: intransigent.

It’s always strange to, after being impressed with the work of an actor, discover that, off-script, they appear to be clinically retarded. Go YouTube some Robert DeNiro clips since his handlers finally convinced him to make public appearances. He has the wit and social grace of a disinterested infant. If you didn’t recognize him as Robert DeNiro, he would just be some aging dude in need of full-time adult supervision. While Damon can interact with other human beings in a far more dynamic manner than DeNiro, there’s still no adjective to describe his failure in expressing his so-called thoughts on sociopolitical matters.

Then there’s the matter of how deeply perverse the sentiments Damon’s attempting to express are unto themselves. He’s disgusted by those hesitant to sink the country into deeper debt? Forget any principled argument over self-ownership and the inherent right to the fruits of one’s own labor. He’s clearly a statist. But even using that as a jumping-off point, how does one arrive at the conclusions Damon does? Based on his patchwork, forehead-scratching illogic, I can’t possibly imagine he has any concept of economic matters on any level. Hey, Matt… inflation - your thoughts? Causes and remedies? The business cycle - ready, go. Fiat vs commodity money - what say you? Okay, here’s a special ed level question for you: Escaping grotesque debt by incurring even more debt - sensible?

In good Will Hunting’s estimation, stealing money from rich people and dumping it wherever benevolent government experts tell us it’s needed will remedy all that ails the nation. Don’t cut back. Steal more! Borrow more! The redistribution of wealth and psychotic borrowing practices have brought us to the brink of the Utopia we see today - why ever would we roll such progress back? Notch this motherfucker up! Pillage the wealthy directly, borrow, inflate, debase, and enable the eternal welfare/warfare state. Oh, that’s not sustainable policy? What happens when the dollar collapses? I don’t know. But as soon as I figure out how to work “intransigence” into the answer, I’ll get back to you.