The War On Pubes
February 17, 2011

What do you think about teens getting "extreme" bikini waxes (or doing the job themselves)? Are you as horrified at the thought of this trend as I am?

This is the question posed at the end of a column I came across during some deep internet research of contemporary pubic hair habits among teens incidentally. The author, Lindsay Ferrier, is “horrified” at the realization that teenage girls are habitually shaving their beaves these days. What this says about the state of affairs south of Ferrier’s Panty-Dixon line remains unknown, but I’d take a pass on the opportunity to find out. The article, aside from expressing the pseudo-shock of its author, recounts the shock one mother experienced upon catching sight of her fifteen-year-old daughter’s fully-shaved baby-station, despite the fact that Mommy had, for years, taken the same newly-pubeless daughter along with her to have professionals wax out her own giney town.

“[T]he fact that a significant number of girls barely past puberty think going ‘bare floor’ or even Brazilian is desirable just kills me,” cries the bush-cherishing Ferrier. Well, if it kills you, good riddance, but, in truth, this is desirable. What kills the sexual appetite of most modern day, porn-influenced males is peeling back a pair of panties to reveal an impenetrable entanglement of pubic hair pie. What decade are you living in, lady? It’s not 1973. The inability of others to differentiate between your genitals and a muskrat is not desirable in 2011. Hell, most males are rocking a high and tight cock-fade these days, never mind the absence of pubes on the fairer sex. It’s not unrealistic to imagine that many males coming of age in the age of the internet might literally not ever realize that females actually grow pubic hair… or, for that matter, that they aren’t born with two-tone hair, tattoos, facial piercings, and stationary tits.

Ferrier goes on to finger (get it, zing!) internet porn and self-exposing, pubeless Hollywood starlets as reasons “that girls could be getting a false image of what boys will find desirable.” Again, lady, the only false images of desirability are the crotch shots you send your husband playing “vermin or vagina?” on your iPhones. Yes, internet porn and celebutard exhibitionists have helped make this look desirable - but, secondary to its societal or psychological implications, or to its failure to satisfy your bush-lust, the fact remains that this look is desirable.

We’ve long since established, as a society, that a hairy female body is not desirable. You shave your legs. You shave your armpits. Why? Because you want to be desired. And men don’t desire hairy legs and armpits. If you’re really unfortunate, you also shave your moustache. These behaviors, designed to attract mates, are perfectly acceptable, but shaving one’s vajeezy - the most desirable spot - is horrific? That is insane! So it’s a relatively modern practice compared to shaving legs and armpits, but razing the snatch-forest is a logical evolution in the shave-game.

Another point that bothers me, besides everything, is the mentioning that this pube-shaven teen’s mom, regardless of whether or not her daughter is actually sexually active, is “appalled” that her daughter is “thinking of that area in that way.” Holy parental mindfuck. Are we serious? A mother of a teenage daughter - a woman this world (mistakenly) considers an adult - is appalled that her ovulating daughter thinks of her own sex organs sexually? Why do people kid themselves this way? How did you make that kid? Via the use of your sex organs. You got fucked. Some dude threw his sex organs into your unkempt sex organs, and nine months later, the product of the previously mentioned penetration popped out with her own set of sex organs. One and a half decades later, she’s physically matured, which humans will do with or without the consent of their emotionally immature parents, and you’re appalled that she’s fallen prey to the same laws of nature that created her? Wow, I’m sure the emotional turmoil brought on by that soul-crushing failure of logic won’t result in any sexual deviance… like multi-ethnic dorm room gangbangs that end up on the same internet that forced her to shave her clam in the first place.

The cycle of life; internet porn edition.

And relax with the supercharged, exaggerative language: “teens getting extreme bikini waxes.” Extreme exschmeme. The only thing this adjective applies to is the author’s affinity for hair-covered vaginas. There is no such thing as an “extreme” bikini wax. It is what it is, and it’s common. But, because the topic is teenage girls, moms the world over will be triggered into chimp mode by this simple, stupid, strategically placed word.

Have you heard about this extreme bikini waxing girls are into now?

Extreme bikini waxing? That sounds terrible!

Oh it's more than terrible... it's extreme.

What makes it so extreme?

You don’t know? They wax the clitoris clear out of the vagina!

Heavens to Betsy! That is extreme!

While we’re here, why do we call this process a bikini wax? Are we that terrified of acknowledging the fact that we have reproductive organs? Chest waxes and back waxes are chest waxes and back waxes, not wife-beater waxes or sweater-vest waxes. If a broad is going to get her legs waxed, she says she’s going to get her legs waxed, not to get a pants-suit wax. Eyebrow and lip waxes are eyebrow and lip waxes, not sunglass and pacifier waxes. But when the ol’ gateway of life is getting cleaned up, we pretend it’s not even there, and off go the ladies to get their bikini waxes. I am going to open my own beauty salon just for the sake of installing a giant neon “VAG-WAX” sign. We will wax vaginas and serve steak, and it will be lovely. I will hire the fifteen-year-old from the story to wax the endless stream of underaged pube-warriors, just to avoid any legal tumult.

So, to answer the question that began this post, I don’t think about teens getting “extreme” bikini waxes. There is no such thing. I do, though - like most heterosexual males, find the thought of well-vaginally-groomed teens rather pleasant. If this horrifies you, then I offer you my heartfelt apology and assure you that the internet made me do it. But the only thing that horrifies me is the thought of coming face-to-snatch with Lindsay Ferrier’s fur-burger.