Unleash The Mail! Defending The Fat Edition
August 12, 2011

It’s that time again, kids. I’m finally dusting off the mailbag. It’s the typical nonsense, so I’m sure you’ll enjoy it. Check out past mailbags here, here, and here. And for what it’s worth, I don’t really get the final email below, either.

From:  Cat Webber <cattypants321@___.com>
Subject:  Soul Break

Let me start off by saying that I’m not fat. However that doesn’t mean I’m not sympathetic to people who are. I read your classy Soul Break thing. That's awesome. I hope you teach your sons to call girls fat and add to the list of indecent men in the world. I would love to rip off your head and take a shit down your neck.

From:  unleashthebeef@gmail.com
To:  Cat Webber <cattypants321@___.com>
Subject:  Re: Soul Break

First, I’m not into scat. Second, I agree - it was awesome. Third, the best part about your little emailed attempt to save the world is that before you could even be bothered to stick up for husky broads, you first felt it necessary to qualify yourself to me as NOT being fat. You may not be fat there, Kitty Cat, but you’re certainly see-through. What ranks higher on the scale of indecency? Me commenting on the prodigious size of some broad’s ass that was acting like an outright bitch, or you prefacing a half-hearted attempt to stick up for such an ogress by declaring that you are not like her in terms of excess flesh?

Since I want nothing more than for your hopes to come true, I will teach my sons to call girls fat. At your behest, I will add to the list of indecent men in the world. Someday, when the paths of my sons and your daughters cross - the daughters you’ve taught to rip off the head’s of indecent males and take shits down their necks - we’ll see just how much ripping and shitting they do. But don’t be surprised if, instead, they self-lubricate and grab their ankles. My boys will tear them asses up. Unless, like Soul Break’s, their asses are fat. I will not raise fatty-fuckers.

Later fatso.

From:  Cat Webber <cattypants321@___.com>

I didn’t say it to “qualify” myself to you. I said it to give you some persepctive that some people treat everyone like human beings no matter what they look like good or bad. Not everyone is a superficial prick like you. Not everyone thinks its cool to dehumanize fat people to their faces. I hope I have sons so that I can raise them as decent human beings. Decent enough to rip off your sons heads and shit down their necks.

From:  unleashthebeef@gmail.com

Gee, Cat, thanks for the “persepctive.”

There’s nothing like shallow people making it their mission in life to police the shallowness of others, all the while remaining incapable of anything but their own shallowness. According to Cat, who’s made perfectly clear that she is NOT Fat Cat, she looks good and fat people look bad. But, because she’s such a devout humanist, she treats the bad looking people like… well… people.

Soul Break’s fatness was incidental to my dehumanizing her. Her fat was simply my vehicle for dehumanization. I didn’t dehumanize her because she was fat. I dehumanized her because she was a vicious hag intent on preventing any of her normally proportioned friends from enjoying my company in less than pants. I did her friends the favor of finally shutting her chunky mouth for once out of my purely humanistic concern for their well-being. And they were grateful - a sentiment you’ve never experienced toward a man.

And you’re right, Cat. Not everyone is a superficial prick like me. Some people take it to a much higher level - so far, in fact, that they lose the capacity for introspection and plod around the internet threatening superficial pricks like me with scatological beheadings. These people, Cat, are called depthless cunts.

From:  Cat Webber <cattypants321@___.com>

Just fucking die would you.

From:  unleashthebeef@gmail.com

:)

____________________________________

From:  Robin Lawson <lawsonrbnj@___.com>
Subject:  Why

I was unfortunate enough to find your website looking for recipes. In just one page it seems clear to me that you enjoy disparaging those who are mentally handicapped, homosexual, or have weight issues. Does doing this make you feel good? Have any of these people ever done something to you that would make you want to say these things about them? Or are you just a hateful person?

From:  unleashthebeef@gmail.com
To:  Robin Lawson <lawsonrbnj@___.com>
Subject:  Re: Why

You must have Googled “recipes for a water-logged vagina.” Right? Riiiight?

Do you mean retards, fags, and fat fucks? Because if you’re talking about ‘tards, cocksuckers, and tubalards, then yes! Disparaging mongoloids, pole smokers, and land walruses makes me feel great! The ‘gloids are always drooling and reflecting the sunlight off of their giant foreheads into my eyes; the queers are always pullin’ the peckers outta their trousers and makin’ me fellate ‘em at highway rest areas when I’m tryin’ to score meth, and the hungry-human-hippos are always plugging up doorways, walkways, and roadways with their swollen asses, or attracting wildlife with their Limburger-esque body odor and the trail of sweat and food waste they always leave behind. I’m not hateful, though. Outside of the offenses I listed, I fuckin’ love mental cripples, crotch goblins, and cord-fed human cows.

Now let’s talk recipes…

From:  Robin Lawson <lawsonrbnj@___.com>

Congratulations on writing the most offensive email humanly possible. You should seek professional help.

From:  unleashthebeef@gmail.com

Why? It ain’t like I’m retarded, queer, or fat.

From:  Robin Lawson <lawsonrbnj@___.com>

No, you’re just sick in mind and spirit.

From:  unleashthebeef@gmail.com

Hey, that’s offensive!

____________________________________

From:  Julie <theanjools@___.com>
Subject:  you

youre fat.

From:  unleashthebeef@gmail.com
To:  Julie <theanjools@___.com>
Subject:  Re: you

But, like, with a “ph," right?

From:  Julie <theanjools@___.com>

Pretty much.

From:  unleashthebeef@gmail.com

So what you’re saying is you’d fuck me skinny?

From:  Julie <theanjools@___.com>

Pretty much.

From:  unleashthebeef@gmail.com

Whaddya go? Deuce? Deuce and a half?

From:  Julie <theanjools@___.com>

Pretty much.

From:  unleashthebeef@gmail.com

Solid. Catch you on the flip flop.

From:  Julie <theanjools@___.com>

Fuck