Words Can Be Hurtful...
April 20, 2011

…but only if you’re a fucking faggot. That statement relates in no way to anyone’s sexual preference. But the PC patrol have been chomping at the dick for the last week trying once again to submarine a successful person they all wish they were.

Kobe Bryant received a technical foul from NBA referee Bennie Adams, and after taking a seat on the Lakers’ bench, was seen on camera saying “fucking faggot” in frustration toward the call. And the Earth stood still. I’ll begin with the requisite “who gives a fuck?” and further ask that for just once in our lives, we all pretend to be grown ups. Or that we at least pretend to be over the age of four, as by five we’ve all learned the adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” If the amount of effort that goes into being offended by meaningless words and events was spent instead on something worthwhile like achieving liberty, or at least achieving orgasm, there would be a lot less servitude and/or blue balls in the world. But instead, shallow cowards who crave persecution that doesn’t exist create media shitstorms in feigned defense of their identity group.

What is this mass insecurity that drives people to define themselves in terms of narrow, silly little groups that lash out at the world’s indifference toward them despite their best efforts to be hated? Hey, assholes, we’re all in the same group. It’s called humanity. But your allegiance to irrelevancies such as PETA, GLAAD, NAMBLA or, worst of all, any political party blinds you from our one universal commonality: our humanness. It’s common to hear: “As a dedicated Mac user...” “As an active member of the Green Party…” “As the mother of a mongoloid child…” “As a lifelong bestiality enthusiast…” But you’ll never hear anyone preface a statement with a declaration of their humanity and nothing else. And this isn’t because it’s assumed or understood. If it was, I wouldn’t feel compelled to write this article right now. For shit’s sake, it’s 2011, and some human beings still identify themselves as Roth or Hagar “people” when discussing the band Van Halen. Don’t get me wrong, 80’s metal is the apex of musical expression, but at some point, maybe around age fifty, after three kids, four divorces, seven DUIs, and thirty-plus years of the government stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars from you, don’t you think it’s a bit silly that you’re about to fight a stranger because he put “Why Can’t This Be Love” on the jukebox instead of “Jaime’s Cryin’”?

Laughable, right? Just like the reaction of the Mangina Lobby to Kobe Bryant saying “faggot” to no one in particular during a moment of frustration playing the highest level of one of the most competitive sports on Earth. Do you really feel he was actively oppressing gay people in the third quarter of that Spurs/Lakers game? I must have blinked and missed it when he pulled Lance Bass out of the third row and savagely beat him at midcourt while screaming “Only hoes be suckin’ dicks in this town, nigga!” Gasp! I used the n-word. Wait, it didn’t end in “er” so it’s okay. Right? Or did the rules change again this week?

I don’t care if you suck dick, eat snatch, a little of each, or none of the above. I harbor no ill will toward anyone for his or her path toward orgasm so long as it doesn’t include raping me. I have used the word “faggot” an infinite number of times and never has it been in an attempt to keep the gay man down (no, not that kind of down, you silly fag). Yesterday, when my dog got distracted and bumped into me on a walk, I responded, “Watch it, you fucking faggot.” Did I harm the gay “community” in doing so? Of course not. But clearly I’m a hatemonger. I’m just verbalizing the homophobic rage I’ve been suppressing since I caught him with his red rocket stuffed through the low-rise glory hole in the backyard fence getting pawed off by the neighbor’s queerbait Labrador.

“Faggot,” when used as it was by Kobe Bryant, is an empty expression similar to any other, such as “asshole” or “motherfucker.” Thank goodness anuses aren’t sensitive enough to organize support groups and incestuous sons don’t have anywhere near the public enthusiasm for where they put their dicks that gay guys do. Kobe Bryant is trying to win an NBA championship; he’s not lurking at highway rest stops, luring gay trolls with his 10-inch softlog and slicing their throats. So take a breath and relax, assured that not everyone in the world is out to sabotage your habitual stand-up-69ing. Speak freely. If the words of others offend you, you are not a rational human being; you’re a fucking faggot - regardless of your comfort level with male genitals.

Unfortunately, Kobe fagged out and apologized (for nothing).

All "little fucking pipsqueaks" should be deeply offended.